The hardest loss in my life, the biggest heartbreak in my life.

This is my first post in a long time now, not because I’ve been too busy or forgotten or for any other reason except I just didn’t know what to say, what to write, what to even feel.

Even typing this already hurts, I’ve never put my feelings down in a way I can read and process them. Not like this anyway. It has taken me far too long to do this and I’ve doubted myself, my feelings, the wording of my feelings for far too long now. I’ve held them inside me, keeping the pain inside of me, as if I feel some sort of guilt for them. Like I’ve felt something I shouldn’t. It’s not just being honest with myself, I haven’t wanted to be honest with anybody, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. This is not what this is about. I don’t want your sympathy or your love and prayers – I know that may sound ungrateful but if you have been in my position you would understand. I don’t want anyone to look at me any differently, I’m still me.

Everyone keeps going on and on and on at me and martin to have another baby. “oh she is two now she is at school, perfect time for another baby” I swear I’ve heard that line 50million times the past month alone. I keep making up all these different excuses trying to kid myself that that’s how I’m feeling, like we like the lifestyle of just one child, or I can barely cope with her , I can’t cope with two.

Truth is we already have two children. One of those is currently sound asleep in her new big girls bed, snoring away after a long busy day at pre-school. The other was never meant to be.

Hearing those words “I’m sorry Mrs Kingman it looks like your having an early miscarriage” will forever haunt me. My world crumbled around me… Am I that bad a parent to make this happen? Am I that useless as a woman I can’t even keep my own child alive in my womb?! I was obviously doing something wrong in life , I kept telling myself that until I eventually believed it.

Everything seemed so dark around me and I just wanted to shut my eyes and never open them again. I spent a week locked away in bed unable to sleep, refusing to speak to anyone, to text , to even eat. I don’t know what was worse the pain in my heart or the pain of loosing my baby. The horrendous agony of my baby being flushed out of my body, having the constant pain to remind me what was happening. Then I just went numb. Everything went numb. I was in such a dark place. I couldn’t cry anymore; not because I had no tears left or that i didn’t want to anymore but because I had no feelings. Just numbness and emptiness. Believe me the crying was better than not feeling anything at all. Then I slept, and it felt like forever had passed by.

I told few people,only those that I couldn’t hide from. Majority of those people were amazing , supportive but distant enough to let me go to them. But I had and still get the “at least it was early” comment or, “it wasn’t a planned pregnancy and you didn’t know until the day the bleeding started” … Tell me would you say that to someone who was further along, or to the mother who has given birth to her still born baby? What is the difference? I had people say ” how can you love something that was barely there” I asked myself that same question once… I don’t know, but all I do know if that from the second I knew I was pregnant I loved that baby with everything I had. It was me, it was my husband ,it was my baby. It had a heartbeat. I still lost a baby. I still had to pass that baby out of my body, wether it was pea sized or the size of a full term baby, it still happened.

The hardest part I struggle to deal with, even to today is the what ifs… What if I hadn’t lost the baby, I would be preparing to go into labour. Would I be having a girl or a boy? That baby would have grown into another child, another one of my children, another life brought into this world.

Time is supposed to heal pain and make things better but I just keep getting more angry and its sad but true, i get jealous. All I see everywhere right now is birth and pregnancy announcements, and its not that I’m not happy for people , I’m so happy for everyone but I’m jealous, I’m hurting and I’m sad. Im all of this because I know it won’t be me again, or at least not in the foreseeable future. I am so petrified of loosing another baby I don’t want to even take the risk, if everything went to plan I would still be worrying the whole time waiting for my worst fears to come true… How can I put myself , or my family through that again? It was bad enough I couldn’t look after the daughter I do have , because i was in too much pain,too spaced out on painkillers. And my husband, he tried so hard to comfort me, he held me while I screamed and hysterically sobbed, he changed the bedsheets when the bed was a mess, he brushed my hair, he left me painkillers out, he took on my role as a parent as well as his, he was my rock, my hero and my strong and steady. And I can’t thank him enough.

It’s not that I don’t want another baby, I want nothing more than to have another baby. Some days I’m fine, other days the ache for another is unbearable. I long for another one. Everyone I told about the loss, tells me I’m being silly, that if I want another baby so bad, just go ahead and have another. But it’s not that easy, and the fear is real right now.

This is exactly why I decided to do this now, I need to feel like I’ve finally let it all out, like I’ve exhaled a huge puff of darkness and I can start again. Start to rebuild , learn to deal with things and learn to move on, but never forget. Time has made me realize one thing, and that is that I already have an amazing beautiful, polite, funny little girl, and she needs me to step up, stop feeling sorry for myself and be her mummy. And I need her. She made me what and who I am and I will be forever grateful to have her.

Like I said at the beginning, I’m not doing this for sympathy or attention or anything else, I am doing this for me. To let go, to be honest with myself and those close to me, so people can understand why I don’t want to talk about babies, why I don’t want another child and why I shut myself away from everyone and everything occasionally. I’m doing this in the hope that other women, or even men, find the courage or strength to let their feelings be known, to let all those feelings out to spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss, and the damage it does to a person. It is more common than you realize. I’m doing this in the hope people see and treat the people who suffer from miscarriage no differently to how they did before, but to still be sensitive and respectful.

 

 

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5am wake up call

 

Being a parent you expect early wake up calls right? Never did I imagine that my mornings would feel longer than a whole week.

Heidi -May has never been a good sleeper, she slept through for the first time a few weeks back at 19months old! It was horrendous but you get used to it eventually, it becomes part of life. The plus side was she would sleep in until any time between 7:30am-10am. I could cope with that, easy.

Except now she sleeps through, and even though she has no nap during the day (my heart actually broke the day she stopped going for one)  the little devil has decided that most mornings my wakeup call is between 4:50am and 5:45am! So blurry eyed and half asleep I stumble to her bedroom, where she is excitedly and half frustatedly screaming maaameeee!! I pick her up and she excitedly thrusts at my hip and squeals, I stumble back to my bed in the hope she will lay day quietly, and if I close my eyes she might, just maybe, go back to sleep. Just as her breathing slows and she stops fidgeting and I stupidly start to think she may actually have gone back to sleep, whaaack!! a soaking wet stinky big dave (her comfort bear, don’t ask) slaps me round the face, I don’t ever know if I should laugh or cry at this point. Some mornings I’ll admit that I switch the tv on in the hope I’ll get 15more minutes, some mornings I do, others I find myself half asleep singing along to The Furchester Hotel or peeping through a half opened eye to see if the pups, save the baby sea turtles! 😂 hilarious right?

So that’s it, im up and an angry toddler is demanding breakfast, and a smoothie. The fight to get her up at the table each day is as painful as child birth itself. Then the horrendous screams and pleas for help as I wipe her face, seriously you’d think I was chopping her legs off.

And don’t even get me started on washing her, brushing her teeth, most days i have to pin her down while she screams and thrashes . Then getting her dressed, after that ordeal is over, im never sure if I need 10 shots of coffee or 10 shots of sambuca! Then her asthma pump, which she’s petrified off, …. Each day just to get presentable is a fight, that’s without even getting myself ready. Yet everyone fails to make you aware that at one point,that darling newborn baby will start behaving like this. Thanks

So finally I can sit down with a coffee for 5mins before we either play or head out. By this time I expect it to be around 9am, so normally tell Heidi-May to get her shoes, to which she always choses inappropriate shoes for the weather, she’s raring to go, start to sort my bag. Look at my phone 7:25am. Fuck.

 

Then I have a screaming toddler, im exhausted, she’s exhausted, I want to cry, she is crying,hysterically.

There are good days, she’s not always a devil in disguise, she is just at the age where doing anything feels like you’ve an a marathon dragging a train behind you. I mean in front of other people she’s an angel, sweet as can be.

I mean I love being a parent and wouldn’t change it for the world, id rather wake up to all of that than wake up with a banging headache, a full face of makeup, grazed knee and elbow and a club stamp on the back of my hand that ill spend the next week trying to wash off… But 5am wakeup calls suck.

The Science Of Why You Should Spend Your Money On Experiences, Not Things — BayArt

Most people are in the pursuit of happiness. There are economists who think happiness is the best indicator of the health of a society. We know that money can make you happier, though after your basic needs are met, it doesn’t make you that much happier. But one of the biggest questions is how to…

via The Science Of Why You Should Spend Your Money On Experiences, Not Things — BayArt

mother nature, again already?!

That time is approaching again. Seems like it was only the other day it last arrived now, im here again all hormonal, stressed as hell and i already don’t know how much longer I can take. Yep that’s right, mother natures delightful gift of our monthly’s. I don’t know about you but I literally dread it every month. I will 100% spend a week curled up in the sofa, in agony, praying someone just put me put my misery. Its not just once its arrived that the fun begins. No, im emotional, stressed and get irritated at EVERYTHING the week leading up to it. Even this second my husband is laughing away at something on his phone, and all I want to do is smother the man. In a rational  state it wouldn’t bother me, but there is nothing rational about your monthly’s.
I’ve been on a diet. Lost a stone in 8weeks, im determined for 3 weeks of the month then BAM. She hits me, and im all like goddamn it, im starving, feed me and feed me now. Today I ate a bowl of peanut butter and jam as a snack, it was delightful. Sickening as hell but delightful. I never had any of the eating enough food to feed a small tribe, problems before I had my daughter, but I kid you not, since having her every period is like I am pregnant again, I get all my

symptoms back, the sickness, the eating the cravings and the crazy mood swings.
Everyone knows to avoid me or baby me. One minute im all like, ahh someone help me, my insides are being ripped out, wait on me hand a foot, rub my back, Get me food, I need water! The next im like bitch, get the hell away from me. Breathe again and im gonna slice your goddamn throat. Now I know your all thinking what the hell, where is the Amy we thought we knew gone? Well once a month you will get this. I mean you cant be perfect all the time right? The mood swings are a whole new level, I go crazy over nothing. The tears, uncontrollable tears, usually about something petty like my nail varnish chipped or there’s no cheese left. Then the angers kicks in because I realise im being an idiot and ill then snap at the first person to open their mouth.
You’d think it couldn’t get worse, im an emotional wreck, I’ve probably put on half a stone, the pain is so bad it feels like someone’s performing some sort of sterilisation procedure on me. What happens next? My husband opens his mouth, “ can tell you are on your period” now, do I calmly reply that just because im stressed doesn’t mean im on, whatever Im stressing about I probably have a moan at him for when im not on, or do I just bite the arseholes head off, hurl some more abuse, and call him every name under the sun. By this point you’ve probably guessed what normally happens. I am a delight when mother nature arrives.
Men just don’t get it do they? We don’t have much, if any control over our emotions and feelings whilst were on. One minute we can be on top of the world laughing and joking, the next its like a deep black hole has opened up and sucked you in and the tears arrive. But men seem to pick up on the changes and seem to pick that bit more than usual, they tend to just ‘be there’ more.
It seems like men get the blame for it all. Who is to blame though? Mother nature- that bitch. She has no motherly instincts does she, there is nothing motherly about her. The activities you can do with your children are limited, your exhausted and energy is an all time low. Why do we bother calling it mother nature?! She can do one!

Dream parenting plans Vs Reality parenting.

 

From the second I decided I wanted children I had clear plans for my future children. Every mum or mum to be does right? Well I was adamant that food would be organic, no high sugar food , no chocolate, water only, lots of fruit and veg and a well varied and balanced diet. That I would sit and play all day from the minute they woke to the second they went to bed, every day, no television unless educational or beneficial to their development. No playing on my phone. Just lots of dancing, playing , making cakes , and all the other fun things mums are meant to do, or supposed to do in the perfect world.
I mean im not a bad mum, im loving, kind, patient, fun, crazy, and sleep deprived but im a good mum, not to brag though. But when you actually have children everything changes. Babies don’t cooperate , they cry, sleep deprivation and exhaustion kick in and real life takes its toll. Housework needs doing. Laundry needs doing, shopping needs doing, every other household chore needs to be down, all whilst finding the time for family and friends and somewhere in the mix of all that you have to find the time to shower and maybe, just maybe if your lucky enough, the time to do something different with your hair (other than chucking it in a bun on the top of your head) Or even your makeup.  So my point is being a mum isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, its awesome but my Lordy, it’s not glamorous or easy and the plans you made whilst expecting go straight out the window, just like your birth plan did, or at least by the end of the first year they have.
Food. Heidi-May was easy to wean, loved her food, no matter what it was she would scoff the lot, then one day she stopped. 4whole days she went without food. Wouldn’t eat anything I put in front of her. She was 9months old and gone from eating everything to  being a fussy little mare. Baring in mind her fathers diet is basically chips, fish fingers and chicken nuggets, I could have cried. I kept trying though, refusing to stop giving her food that was good for her. She needed to eat surely? Day 4 she ate. Fish fingers. Fish bloody fingers. No veg, no fruit, nothing. Just crap food, junk food. I mean I brought the best fish and meat I could to make what she was eating nutritious. Around her first birthday she finally ate stuffing balls. So I betrayed her teeny tiny trust and stated to grate veg into her stuffing balls and I still do now, she in none the wiser. I mean she was so fussy I had to do something, and mummy won!! Anyway, recently she has been willing to try new foods, pasta, salad, olives, fajitas, bananas strawberries, raspberries. About bloody time, but as a mum you will keep trying until you get your goal but who knows how long that will take, its taken me 2years to get the child to eat pasta!
Television. Always hated kids being glued to it. Now when I need to make an important phone call, or cook dinner or make lunch or even go to the toilet, the television goes on. Its a life saver, don’t knock it!! Its built her imagination up, helped improve her speech and helped develop her personality. I mean its one of many factors as to why all of the above have improved but its still part. Babies are easy. Toddlers are the work of the devil. Sometimes she is being such an arse that the television goes on and I will find a corner somewhere to hide and regain my composure. I’ve actually, sadly, been found enjoying a nice hot cup of tea in the bathroom. Its not always like this, some days we spend hours playing with dolly and having a tea party and racing round like loons, building camps and dens and pretending to sleep and messy play and everything else. Other days she is a pure arse and something has to distract her right? I’ve learnt most of the programmes theme tunes and when it comes to paw patrol I know most of the words to most episodes. Sad really. But when you have a toddler rolling around the place screaming because your leg isn’t how she wants it to be, then feel free to judge.
Basically the point is that babies are great. But whatever ideas you have for your babies and children, they will 100% go out the window. Don’t bother. Doing what is best for your child is what’s important, not what others think or what society says you should do. Keep yourself sane and your children safe. That’s what being a mum is all about.

Me, Myself & I

 

So typically I went straight on a rant (but not a rant) about 5am wakeup calls without explaining anything about me, my life, My family or the point of my blog.

  1. I live in the UK, crowthorne to be precise (near ascot, you’ve got to have heard of ascot races! Or an hours drive from London baby). It’s a nice enough town, small, quiet, full of old people, but better than being full of thugs and what not. Not the best weather , typical english weather but there’s no pleasing me. It rains I complain, it snows I complain, its hot, guess what? I complain. Typical brit. I always joke about running away to a hot country but id never last 5minutes in the heat without finding something to complain about. I have a huge 1bedroom flat that I share with my husband and daughter, its a squeeze but we love it and it will do until we buy a house.
  2. I have an almost 2 year old daughter called Heidi-May. You’ll find out I moan alot right now about her temper tantrum’s and her shitty , bad behaviour but my goodness she is the apple of my eye, the most beautiful human being I’ve set my eyes upon. We gave her the nickname piglet 🐷 because she used to snort when I breastfed. Cute right? She’s growing up far too fast and although some days she makes me want to scream, and cry and throw myself off a building, she also has me crying with laughter at all the hilarious things she does and says.WP_20160615_15_19_25_Pro
  3. Im married. I met martin In February 2013, I knew the night I met him that he would be the man I married, he came when I had given up, not just on myself but everything. He was the light at the end of the tunnel. We had our daughter in September 2014, he proposed a few weeks later and we had the most amazing beautiful wedding day 22nd August 2015. Planning a wedding was so much fun but stress levels soared! Martin is literally my rock, he supports me through every decision, he is the main earner, he makes me laugh, he irritates me to the point I want to gauge my eyeballs out and he loves me unconditionally. The bloke needs an award or something for putting up with me.
  4. I am a qualified care assistant but have just left my current job to focus on spending time with Heidi-May before she starts play school in October and I miss too much. I have always been a stay at home mum during the day but normally race out the door to go to work as martin comes in and then he is asleep by the time im home. He is up for work a 3am so goes to bed early. I love being a care assistant, its hard, and sometimes I could stand with my head in my hands and cry, but I’ve met some amazing people along the way, made some strong bonds with people and I’ve learnt so much from them all.
  5. I have a huge complicated family. So there’s me, my younger brother and my older sister. My parents split and re married, so I have a step brother who my dads wife already had and two little baby sisters from my mums new marriage. When I say baby I mean Lyla-Grace is 4 and Daisy is 3, yeah big age gap between us. My older sister has given me a niece and nephew who are 3 and 6. My mum is one of 5 children and three 0f them have two children each. So the family on my mums side is huge and complicated as hell. We used to be a close family but not so much anymore. Im very close with my mum and siblings and my dad, his wife and Billy ,my stepbrother. But my dads brother spent a long time living in Thailand and now he is back its not much different, and my nan on my dads side lives in Lanzarote 90% of the year. My in laws are a much smaller, easier bunch. Parents in law, sister in law, her husband and two boys(18months and 6) , grandparents, an auntie one side with two children and an uncle the other side with four children. And that’s it. 1661983370740290

so I dont think there’s anything else of any significance, im new to all this blogging malarkey, but sometimes I need to get things off my chest, so there may be many rants and raves, and other times I just like to ramble about nothing. I don’t  anything, ill tell you how it is, im not rude I just like to be completely honest with myself and others.