This is my first post in a long time now, not because I’ve been too busy or forgotten or for any other reason except I just didn’t know what to say, what to write, what to even feel.
Even typing this already hurts, I’ve never put my feelings down in a way I can read and process them. Not like this anyway. It has taken me far too long to do this and I’ve doubted myself, my feelings, the wording of my feelings for far too long now. I’ve held them inside me, keeping the pain inside of me, as if I feel some sort of guilt for them. Like I’ve felt something I shouldn’t. It’s not just being honest with myself, I haven’t wanted to be honest with anybody, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. This is not what this is about. I don’t want your sympathy or your love and prayers – I know that may sound ungrateful but if you have been in my position you would understand. I don’t want anyone to look at me any differently, I’m still me.
Everyone keeps going on and on and on at me and martin to have another baby. “oh she is two now she is at school, perfect time for another baby” I swear I’ve heard that line 50million times the past month alone. I keep making up all these different excuses trying to kid myself that that’s how I’m feeling, like we like the lifestyle of just one child, or I can barely cope with her , I can’t cope with two.
Truth is we already have two children. One of those is currently sound asleep in her new big girls bed, snoring away after a long busy day at pre-school. The other was never meant to be.
Hearing those words “I’m sorry Mrs Kingman it looks like your having an early miscarriage” will forever haunt me. My world crumbled around me… Am I that bad a parent to make this happen? Am I that useless as a woman I can’t even keep my own child alive in my womb?! I was obviously doing something wrong in life , I kept telling myself that until I eventually believed it.
Everything seemed so dark around me and I just wanted to shut my eyes and never open them again. I spent a week locked away in bed unable to sleep, refusing to speak to anyone, to text , to even eat. I don’t know what was worse the pain in my heart or the pain of loosing my baby. The horrendous agony of my baby being flushed out of my body, having the constant pain to remind me what was happening. Then I just went numb. Everything went numb. I was in such a dark place. I couldn’t cry anymore; not because I had no tears left or that i didn’t want to anymore but because I had no feelings. Just numbness and emptiness. Believe me the crying was better than not feeling anything at all. Then I slept, and it felt like forever had passed by.
I told few people,only those that I couldn’t hide from. Majority of those people were amazing , supportive but distant enough to let me go to them. But I had and still get the “at least it was early” comment or, “it wasn’t a planned pregnancy and you didn’t know until the day the bleeding started” … Tell me would you say that to someone who was further along, or to the mother who has given birth to her still born baby? What is the difference? I had people say ” how can you love something that was barely there” I asked myself that same question once… I don’t know, but all I do know if that from the second I knew I was pregnant I loved that baby with everything I had. It was me, it was my husband ,it was my baby. It had a heartbeat. I still lost a baby. I still had to pass that baby out of my body, wether it was pea sized or the size of a full term baby, it still happened.
The hardest part I struggle to deal with, even to today is the what ifs… What if I hadn’t lost the baby, I would be preparing to go into labour. Would I be having a girl or a boy? That baby would have grown into another child, another one of my children, another life brought into this world.
Time is supposed to heal pain and make things better but I just keep getting more angry and its sad but true, i get jealous. All I see everywhere right now is birth and pregnancy announcements, and its not that I’m not happy for people , I’m so happy for everyone but I’m jealous, I’m hurting and I’m sad. Im all of this because I know it won’t be me again, or at least not in the foreseeable future. I am so petrified of loosing another baby I don’t want to even take the risk, if everything went to plan I would still be worrying the whole time waiting for my worst fears to come true… How can I put myself , or my family through that again? It was bad enough I couldn’t look after the daughter I do have , because i was in too much pain,too spaced out on painkillers. And my husband, he tried so hard to comfort me, he held me while I screamed and hysterically sobbed, he changed the bedsheets when the bed was a mess, he brushed my hair, he left me painkillers out, he took on my role as a parent as well as his, he was my rock, my hero and my strong and steady. And I can’t thank him enough.
It’s not that I don’t want another baby, I want nothing more than to have another baby. Some days I’m fine, other days the ache for another is unbearable. I long for another one. Everyone I told about the loss, tells me I’m being silly, that if I want another baby so bad, just go ahead and have another. But it’s not that easy, and the fear is real right now.
This is exactly why I decided to do this now, I need to feel like I’ve finally let it all out, like I’ve exhaled a huge puff of darkness and I can start again. Start to rebuild , learn to deal with things and learn to move on, but never forget. Time has made me realize one thing, and that is that I already have an amazing beautiful, polite, funny little girl, and she needs me to step up, stop feeling sorry for myself and be her mummy. And I need her. She made me what and who I am and I will be forever grateful to have her.
Like I said at the beginning, I’m not doing this for sympathy or attention or anything else, I am doing this for me. To let go, to be honest with myself and those close to me, so people can understand why I don’t want to talk about babies, why I don’t want another child and why I shut myself away from everyone and everything occasionally. I’m doing this in the hope that other women, or even men, find the courage or strength to let their feelings be known, to let all those feelings out to spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss, and the damage it does to a person. It is more common than you realize. I’m doing this in the hope people see and treat the people who suffer from miscarriage no differently to how they did before, but to still be sensitive and respectful.